About Me

  • so i have changed this about a thousand times, and i finally think i figured out what i want to say: im ready for this. i need this. im sick of being embarrassed of myself. Im sick of embarrassing my friends. i graduate this year and i refuse to have to but a size 12 dress. this is my diet. current weight: 168 goal weight: 130 lowest weight: 165 highest weight: 185 ~ im sitting down and taking this crap ~ im waiting for someone who actually cares ~ im wishing i was perfect

the jamsss


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Sunday, 25 April 2010

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    Only by the Night
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    my life is in shambles

    I never knew it was this possible to hate yourself as much as I do right now. I am such a fucking joke. I haven't even gone on this site in forever. I HAVE GAINED 20 FUCKING POUNDS!!!! i dont even understand how i can look at myself in the mirror. i dont even know what to say. im just so ashamed. i always feel so depressed and i know its cause its impossible to be happy with such a repulsive body as mine. i want to throw up!!!! ugh i feel so dirty and ugly and gross. no wonder i have no real friends anymore. soo what im getting at is I AM BACK! i feel like such a faggot ass piece of shit for doing this but oh well. i have to. for me and for the entire populations vision. i just want to be happy and i know that wont happen until im skinny. im thinking about a size 4? maybe 130? im thinking no eating at all. 88 day long fast (thats how many days till country thunder). so then i can also save money! good plan? im thinking yes! so my goal for tomorrow is 500 cals. its gonna be hard but it's so worth it!!!! everyone try not to hate me too much for being such a flake. i think i do it enough for everyone else.

Friday, 19 June 2009

  • today was awesome aside from the 5 hours of baby sitting, and even that wasnt too bad since i got paid.

    intakes-

    speacial k- 130

    honey nut cheerioes- 110

    3 pieces of turkey- 22.5

    a few goldfish- 20

    teeny bit of yogurt- 10

    all natural fruit leather- 45

    crystal light x2- 20

    total about 350

    and as if that want enought to get me into a euphoric state, that guy who i was talking about before, he has been texting me for the past like 7 hours. we get all flirty with each other and then back down, but just to get right back up there. haha. i just wish he would ask me out or tell me he likes me or something. i hate this part of crushes.

    and last but by far not the least, i bought my first pair of ambercrombie shorts. and as an added bonus, they're a size ten! im super stoked. and im gonna get another pair of shorts from hco, but theyre 11s. i still think its weird that hiollister's jeans are smaller that a&f's. ohh well

    tomorrows like the town fair or what ever so my eating might get fucked, i can only pray it doesnt. but i might have a game instead, which is quite bitter sweet for me.

    night girls. have skinny dreams =]

     

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

  • i have been so proud of myself lately. the only thing i have eaten today is a bowl of special k (130) a few famous amos cookies at school (200?) because my stomach was grumbling and if he heard that would have been weird. hah and when i got home i had 3 pices of turkey (22.5). i have a game later tonight so thats pretty good.

    as far as my personal life goes, its so odd. i really like this one guy. I went to his baseball game last night with my bestie. she said he is really into me, and i know she wouldnt lie to me and allow me to get my hopes up just to have my heart break, but i just cant seem to let myself believe that any one could be attracted to me.  all of it is just so emotionally draining. i get nervous when im around him and then my stomach hurts and i cant eat for the rest of the day. so instead of eating, i waste my time thing about him: everything that i could possible think about. his toned arms, blue eyes, and every word he had said to me in that past day. its rediculous. i cant believe im becomg one of those girls. i just wish we could skip over the awkward parts and the wondering if this and that. i wish we could fast-forward to the part when we are either dating or friends. i would honestly be fine with either one; i just want to be certain of what is going on.

    On happier and more concrete news, i am now a 10 at american eagle, still an 11 at hollister, but for some odd reason, my 12s from abercrombie are like falling off. so thats awesome.

    i dont even know what else to say now. my mind is like the scrambled eggs from the "this is your brain on drugs" add. lol. il edit if i eat any thing else or figure out what else i want to say.

    keep it up girls!!!



    editttt-

    i had a hot dog (230) and some of my gmas potato salad (358) D=. i know how bad potato salad is, but my gram was all excited cause she found a new recipie and wanted to see if i liked it. at least it tasted good and its just wrong to dissapoint your gramma.
    so im thinking my total intake for the day was like 940. damn potato salad.
    unfortunitly, my game was cancelled due to field conditions. its all this stupid rain we have been getting. i can hardly even call this sumer cause its been so cold and wet out.

    thinspiration::::

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    =/

Friday, 12 June 2009

  • sorry its been so so so soooo long

    this is going to be short since i am about to go over to my friends house. my stomach is doing flips right now and i could be happier about it for two reasons.
    1. it makes me unable to eat and
    2. its cause i like a new guy.
    and maybe a 3rd: i think another guy might like me.

    so i met all of these guys at summer school, which i love by the way. my teacher is so nice and lets us do like what ever we want and because my class is so effing funny.
    so about the guy i like: he is a freshie like me. we have had some flirty moments together. hes super hot and before class he lifts weights. and we were talking about how people dont call him to hang out so jokingly i was like "dont worry, il call you to hang out! " and the next thing i know he took out his phone and asked me for my number!!! ahhh, this is seriously the first guy i have liked in practicly forever. its weird since we dont have like any of the same friends but it would things easier too.
    the other guy is going to be a senior. our teacher made him move to the desk right in front of me. so he would ask me a question and soon enough we were talking about his car and what not. i drew a heart on him and some other things. so we later got in trouble for talking and the rest of the class said we were flirting and he didnt deny it. does that mean anything? i didnt mean it to be flirting but looking back on it i suppose it could be seen as flirting.
    i would be happy with either one.

    ugh it feels so good to write it al down
    gtg, moms home

Saturday, 09 May 2009

  • sick of stereo types

    i dont know why, but i have been getting really pissy over nothing lately. like today, for instance, my bff and i were talking and she was playing her guitar, and i took and started messing with it, and then she jokingly blamed me for her broken amp. and later, when i said i wanted to learn bass, she pretty much laughed in my face. and then she made some comment about guys running away from me. me and her are practically sisters and i know she means no harm, but im sick of people having one mind set about me. that im the smart, fat and loud girl. i fucking hate it sooo much. but those negative things only make me more determined to stay strict and strong. on the plus side, my other friends and i are going on a new diet together. shes wayy heavier than m, so he r dc gave her some pill, but i dont get one. its quite simple, but im just happy to have some one to diet with. its liquid all day, like coffee, tea, water, and diet sodas, one smack, under 10 cals and one 300 cal meal. i hope i can stick to it.

    we had a fiesta in spansh today, so everything i ate today was from that
    2 pieces chocolate cake with white frosting- 500?
    1 piece mint chocolate chip ice cream cake- 300?
    2 chicken taqitos- 200?

    outtake- 138

    how gross!!!!!!

    thinspo:



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